Interview With A Serial Killer: Michael Myers

Interview With A Serial Killer: Michael Myers

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Dr. Sam Loomis instilled fear in our hearts back in 1978 when he told us about famous serial killer Michael Myers from Haddonfield, Illinois.

“I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes… the devil’s eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply… evil.”

While this may be true as illustrated in the iconic Halloween films, the real Michael Myers is a completely different story. Myers sat down with Wholesale Halloween Costumes to discuss what he thinks of family values, Laurie Strode, and whether a cult was really controlling him.

Wholesale Halloween Costumes: Back in 1978, Loomis said you were only 21. That means you’re almost pushing 60 now. What keeps you in shape?

Michael Myers: I was planning on being a famous serial killer for several decades. That’s why I walk slowly when I chase my victims. I figured I can’t run after them as a twentysomething and then, as I get older, just randomly start walking slowly. So I stay in shape by not exercising or overexerting myself. Why do you think the killers from Scream only live for one movie, each?

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WHC: Very true. Tell me about Laurie Strode. She was your sister, right?

MM: Yes. She was a sassy gal. I never saw it coming when she stabbed me in the face with a hanger while I trapped her in a closet. That’s why she’s the original scream queen. She was feisty!

WHC: How would you compare your relationship with Laurie to your relationship with your niece, Jamie Lloyd?

MM: Jamie was a little spitfire but she didn’t really fight like her mother did. Someone always came to her rescue. I may have tried to murder everyone, but I have huge respect for the strong female adversaries.

WHC: But Jamie ended up living through two movies until you finally succeeded in killing her in Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers.

MM: But she didn’t last as long as her mother! I just don’t understand family values. We killers tend to be more successful with a weak support system.

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WHC: But I thought you killed your family because you were being controlled by a cult?

MM: I think the cult just wanted a little piece of my fame. That man in black thought he broke me out of prison at the end of the fifth movie but I think I had it under control. Everyone just wants to take credit for it.

WHC: But then, 20 years after your original crimes, you tried to kill Laurie again. What happened to the cult?

MM: They had to be taken care of. Too fame hungry.

WHC: But why did she have a son played by Josh Hartnett? Why did she act like she never even had a daughter?

MM: Maybe some short-term memory loss? I really can’t answer for the people who write my stories. At this point, I don’t even know who my family is, who’s alive, or who even exists.

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WHC: How did it feel to star in a web reality series after you succeeded in killing Laurie?

MM: I had to find another claim to fame. It worked well for the Kardashians. However, unlike the Kardashians, I haven’t been seen since.

WHC: How did it feel to have your story re-created by Rob Zombie?

MM: I like to pretend that never even happened.

WHC: Can you tell us about what’s coming in the future?

MM: Apparently, it’s a “recalibration” by the same dudes behind some of the Saw movies. It’s not another reboot or a sequel. As long as they get my story straight and don’t send me to space or anything like Jason Voorhees or Leprechaun, it should be okay. If I get to face off with someone like Laurie and my origin story isn’t messed up again, I’ll be happy. I just want kids to be scared of me again!

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